英语小笑话带翻译：
1。ass and manwww.xuexiting.Com
驴和买驴的人
A man wanted to buy an ass。 He went to the market， and saw a likely one。 But he wanted to
test him first。 So he took the ass home， and put him into the stable with the other asses。
The new ass looked around， and immediately went to choose a place next to the laziest ass in
the stable。 When the man saw this he put a halter on the ass at once， and gave him back to
his owner。 The owner felt quite surprised。 He asked the man， Why are you back so soon? Have
you tested him already? I don't want to test him any more， replied the man， From the
panion he chose for himself， I could see what sort of animal he is。
中文：一个买主到市场上去买驴，他看中一头外表不错的驴，可是他想要牵走试一试。他把驴牵回家，放
在自我其他的驴之间，这驴四处看看，立即走向一头好吃懒做的驴旁边。于是，买驴的人立刻给那头驴套
上辔头，牵去还给驴的卖主。卖主感到很奇怪，他问买主：你怎样这么快就回来了?买主说：不必
再试了，从他所选择什么样的朋友来看，我已经明白他是什么样了。
2。A mother mouse
老鼠的第二语言也重要
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she
spotted a cat crouched behind a bush。 She watched the cat， and
the cat watched the mice。
Mother mouse barked fiercely， Woof， woof， woof! The cat
was so terrified that it ran for it's life。
Mother mouse turned to her babies and said， Now， do you
understand the value of a second language?
一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步，突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽。
母老鼠向着猫叫道：汪，汪，汪，猫听了十分害怕，拼命跑走了。
母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：此刻你明白外语的重要性了吧。
3。The Looney Bin
疯人院
Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院)one inmate shouted， I am Napoleon!
Another one said， How do you know?
The first inmate said， God told me!
Just then， a voice from another room shouted， I did not!
一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说：我是拿破仑!另一个说：你怎样明白?第一个人说：上帝对
我说的!一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来：我没说!
Notes:
(1)Looney (俚语)疯子
(2)inmate(n。同住者，同室者(特指在医院、监狱))
(3)insane asylum (疯人院)
英语小笑话带翻译：
A private didn't notice a young lieutenant and failed to salute him。 The lieutenant said sternly， You did not salute me。 For this you must immediately salute one hundred times。
Just then the general came up。 When he saw the poor private about to begin， he exclaimed， What's all this?
The lieutenant explained， This ignoramus(无知的人) failed to salute me。 I'm making his salute one hundred times as a punishment。
Quite right， replied the general smiling， But do not forget， sir， that upon each occasion you are to salute return。
有个士兵没有注意到一个年轻的陆军中尉，没有向他敬礼。中尉很严厉地对那个士兵说：你没有向我敬礼，所以你要立刻敬100个礼。
这时候将军过来了。他看到那个可怜的士兵就要开始敬礼时，就大声问道：这是怎样啦?
中尉解释说：这个蠢货没有向我敬礼，我就罚他立刻向我敬一百个礼。
将军笑着说：完全正确。可是，老弟，别忘了他向你每敬一个礼，你都要回礼的啊!
英语小笑话带翻译：
While the doctor was looking over the man， his wife kept fussing(烦躁，发牢骚) andjabbering(快而含糊地说) all the time。 The doctor told her: Your husband must get absolute rest and quiet。 Then he left some sleeping pills。
The man's wife asked， When do I dive them to my husband? The doctor replied， No， they are not for him。 They are for you。 You need them。
有个人生病了。他的妻子请了一位医生来给他治病。
医生在给他治疗的时候，他的妻子一向大惊小怪，神神叨叨地紧张不安。医生对她说：你的丈夫必须绝对休息和坚持安静。 然后他就留下了一些。
她问医生：什么时候给我丈夫吃这些药呀!医生回答说：不用，这些药不是给他吃的，是给你吃的，你需要。
英语小笑话带翻译（4）：
The Use of a Handsaw
At the mall， my wife and I picked up some hardware items， including a handsaw。 We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse。
Let's try it。 my wife suggested。 Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw， I followed her inside。
Scanning the menu， my wife told the waitress， I' 11 have chopped sirloin， please。
The waitress turned to me， eyed my saw and mented， And I see that。 you， sir， have e for our T-bone special。
在集市上，我和妻子买了一些五金用品，包括一个手锯。我们回到汽车时刚好走过一家牛排店。 我们尝尝吧，我妻子提议说。尽管我觉得拿着锯有点傻乎乎的，但还是随她走了进去。 我妻子扫视了一下菜单对女招待说：请给我来一份炒牛腰片。 女招待转向我，看了看我的锯，说道：我能看出，先生，你是来吃我们的T形骨特色菜的。
A Woman's answer
A husband said to his wife， Why did God create women to be beautiful but foolish?
Well， his wife answered at once。 The reason is very simple。 God made us beautiful so men would love us; God made us foolish so we would marry them。
一位丈夫对他的妻子说：为什么上帝把妇女创造得如此美丽却又愚蠢呢？ 噢，他的妻子立刻回答道，原因很简单。上帝使我们如此美丽，男人才会爱我们。上帝使我们如此愚蠢，我们才会嫁给他们。
Only One Eye to Settle On
The girl found the go-between and said， You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true。 Why didn't you tell me this before ?
I have told you。 said the go-between with justice on his side， When you met first， I told you that he settled on you with one eye。
姑娘找到媒人，说：你欺骗了我。他的一只眼是假眼，你以前为什么不告诉我？ 怎样没告诉你？媒人也不甘示弱，你们第一回见面后，我就说，他一眼就看中你了。
You May Select能够选择
The husband plained that his wife always cooked the same dish。
One day， the husband got home and asked his wife， My dear， what will we eat today?
The wife said， You may select the dish today。
The husband was very glad and asked， Which dishes are there today?
Cabbage。
The others?
None。
Then how to select?
Eat or not eat! the wife said。
丈夫抱怨妻子总是做同样的一种菜。
一天，丈夫回到家，问妻子：亲爱的，今日我们吃啥菜？
妻子回答：今日你能够选择。 丈夫感到十分高兴，又问：都有哪些菜呢？
炒白菜。
还有呢？
没了。
那你要我怎样选呢？
吃还是不吃！妻子一本正经地说道。
Two roaches 两只蟑螂
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant。I was in that new restaurant across the street， said one。 It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless， and the floors are gleaming white。 There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines。Please， said the other roach frowning。 Not while I'm eating!
两只蟑螂正在一条小巷的垃圾堆上大吃着，其中的一只谈起了它在一家新开张的餐馆里的经历。那时我在街对面的那家新餐馆里，它说。那里太干净了！厨房没有一点污渍，地面闪着白光。任何地方都没有垃圾。那里是如此干净，整个地方都在发光。请不要在我吃东西的时候说这个好吗？另一只蟑螂不悦地说。
英语小笑话带翻译（5 ）：
What Was It She Wanted？
A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer．No，ma’am， we haven't had any for a while， and it doesn't look asif we'll be getting soon． Horrified，the manager came runningover to the customer and said，Of course， we'll have somesoon， We placed an order last week． Then the manager drewthe clerk aside：Never， never， never say we are out of anythingsay we've got it on order and it's ing． Now whatwas it she wanted？ Rain． said the clerk．
一个商店经理听见一个店员对顾客说：不，夫人，这会儿没有，一时半会儿看来也不会有。经理惊恐万分地跑到顾客跟前说：当然，立刻就会有的。我们上周订了货。然后经理把店员拉到一边：千万，千万，千万不要说我们没有什么说我们已经订了货，货立刻就到。此刻你说她要买什么？ 雨，店员说。
A preacher is buying a parrot 传教士买鹦鹉
A preacher is buying a parrot
Are you sure it doesnt scream， yell， or swear? asked the preacher。
Oh absolutely。 Its a religious parrot， the storekeeper assures him。
Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one， he recites the lords prayer， and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm。
Wonderful! says the preacher， but what happens if you pull both strings?
I fall off my perch， you stupid fool! screeched the parrot。
一个传教士在买鹦鹉
你确信它不会尖叫，大叫或诅咒别人吗？传教士问。
哦，绝对不会。它是一只虔诚的鹦鹉。店主保证说。
你看见它腿上的这些细绳了吗？当你拉动右面的这根，它会背诵天主经，当你拉动左面的那根，它会背诵赞美诗
太棒了！传教士说，可是如果我同时拉动两条绳子，会发生什么呢？
我会从树干上掉下去的，你这个笨蛋！鹦鹉尖声说道。
How can I get into heaven 我怎样才能上天堂
If I sold my house and my car， had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor， would I get into heaven? I asked the children in my Sunday school class。
No! the children all answered。
If I cleaned the church everyday， mowed the yard， and kept everything neat and tidy， would I get into heaven?
Again， the answer was， No!
Well， I continued， then how can I get into heaven?
A five-year-old boy shouted out， You gotta be dead!
如果我把房子和车卖了，在车库举行义卖， 并把所有的钱给穷人，我能进天堂吗？我问主日学校的孩子。
孩子们齐声回答：不能！
那如果我每一天都打扫教堂，给院子的草坪割草，并且把东西都收拾得干净整洁，我会上天堂吗？
回答还是：不能！好吧， 我继续问， 那我要怎样才能升天堂呢？
一个五岁的男孩儿叫道：你得死了才行！
I Want Her to go Nuts
Mrs。 Flinders decided to have her portrait painted。 She told the artist， Paint me with diamond earrings， a diamond necklace， emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant。
But you're not wearing any of those things。
I know， said Mrs。 Flinders。 It's in case I should die before my husband。 I'm sure he'd remarry right away， and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry。
福林德斯夫人决定让人给她画肖像。她告诉那位肖像画家说：画我带着钻石耳环、钻石项链、祖母绿手镯，还有红宝石垂饰。
但你此刻没带这其中的任何一样饰品。
我明白。福林德斯夫人说，万一我先我丈夫死去，我肯定他会立刻再婚。我要让那个女人为寻找这些珠宝而发疯。